I turned thirty-two today
That number feels like it should mean something… like I should have more to show for. Instead, I still feel like I’m in rehearsal for a play that keeps changing scripts. Some mornings I wake up confident and steady; others, I wake up worried and uncertain. But maybe that’s the truth of adulthood.. it isn’t a destination, it’s just the journey.
The past few years have been made of contrasts. Soft mornings and loud nights. Laughter in one room, exhaustion in another. I’ve learned that life doesn’t wait for the right mood before asking you to show up. It just keeps moving, and you decide.. again and again, how gently you’ll confront it.
Tarot Draw 1: The Year That Was-
The Hermit
The Hermit stands alone. He doesn’t run from the dark; he lights his own lantern and keeps walking.
That’s what this year felt like.
My children, my world and the reason I do anything, traveled across the country for a month, and for the first time, I didn’t crumble. I missed them so much that my chest ached, but I wasn’t paralyzed by it. I found a stillness I didn’t know I had.
For years, I’d wrapped my entire identity in motherhood. I loved it, but I also hid inside it. I made every decision around their schedules, their joy, their comfort… and in the quiet, I’d forgotten what mine looked like.
Then this year came, and when silence stretched longer than usual. At first, it felt foreign, like an echo in an empty house. Then it started to feel… peaceful. I remembered how to feed myself, how to stay up late watching things that had no purpose other than delight (like A Clockwork Orange, I haven’t watched that in years). I remembered how to laugh with my husband over nothing. We had whole days with no alarms, no appointments, no one needing something every five minutes. And instead of guilt, I felt so grateful I wasn’t worried.
When the kids came home, I realized something simple but huge: I don’t have to hide to love them. I can be both—the mother and the person. The caretaker and the creature who still needs space to stretch. That’s a balance I want to keep holding, even if it tilts sometimes. I feel like I learn this lesson over and over because I get so caught up.
Tarot Draw 2: The Year Ahead-
The Star
The Star is the breath after the storm, the soft voice that says, “You made it.”
For the year ahead, I want to live by that kind of hope. Not the loud, performative optimism that insists everything’s fine, but the quiet one that whispers, keep going anyway. I want to make more things that last, even if they’re small. I want to write without staring at the words wanting it to be perfect, create without apologizing for being weird or uncomfortable, love without guarding every corner of myself. I want to keep rediscovering joy in the everyday… hearing music people are playing in passing cars, happy kids crunching on a snack, the first moment of quiet after the house finally settles.
If last year was about finding myself in solitude, then this one is about returning to the world with softness intact and really romanticizing life.
Tarot Draw 3: Healing the Inner Child-
The Sun
The Sun is the card of warmth, and laughter. My inner child never had much of that- she was too busy trying to anticipate storms, to fix problems that were told they were hers, but not.. She grew up fast, and she got good at surviving. But she’s still here, and she’s tired of surviving. This year, I want to give her something better. She deserves to be a mess. She deserves be without consequence. She deserves mornings where she’s allowed to exist without needing to earn it. So I’ll let her listen to her music and sing like shit. She is so silly, and beautiful.
The Sun reminds me that healing doesn’t mean endless self-help, it means learning to let light in again.
The Birthday Wish I’m Keeping
I’m thirty-two and still learning to let some sun in. Still figuring out how to be both gentle and iron. Still understanding that love isn’t meant to erase you, it’s supposed to help you meet yourself more honestly.
This birthday, I’m not making a wish for a new version of me or more things I don’t have. I’m wishing to stay curious about the one who’s already here. The one who can love wildly and rest deeply. The one who can hold her children tight but also hold her own hand.
-Let me stay curious.
-Let me keep finding light in strange, dark places.
-Let me stay unfinished, and not feel guilty for it.
If next year finds me here again… still messy, still hopeful, still building a life out of love and mud and magic… that will be enough to celebrate. <3
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings. Its means the world to me. It is my birthday and this website has been a birthday gift to myself. I have been writing so long and I just feel like as I slowly back away from social media I can still build this up to and still be able to express myself outside of my bubble. Anyway, thanks <3
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